I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
