Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
