My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
