everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
