So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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