Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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