I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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