from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
