omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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