the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
