mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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