Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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