We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
