if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
