but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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