kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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