So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
