forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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