I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
