I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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