I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
