I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
