You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
