He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
