dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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