I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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