A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
