Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
