we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
