The maid of honor just puked.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
