Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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