why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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