Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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