Im at strip club and am horny
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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