i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
