The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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