happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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