They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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