Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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