I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
