so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
