mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
