so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
