This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
