so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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