My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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