You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize