Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
