Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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