She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
