Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
