Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
