I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
