Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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