i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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