normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
