I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
