His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
