Apparently you make a good broom.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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