god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Text me some of your sweat
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
