Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
