Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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