he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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