God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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